Bikini Talk (2013)

Yes! That’s one for the ladies, and I know I’ve kept some of you waiting and perhaps wondering if I chickened out of this topic… Naah! Actually, I forgot! I got so involved with healing my shoulder post a bad injury that all I did in the last few months (autumn 2012 until summer 2013) was stop all exercise and put on weight. So obviously, pools, beaches, bikini were out of sight and out of mind. But now, I’m back – taking it slow, but back to shedding those kilos courtesy cortisone and no workouts… And since summer is still around, I thought of going to the pool for a dip. And lo! The bikini topic came right back into my head (though a two-piece swimsuit is still a faraway dream…)

It was in Monte Negro that I started to focus on those luxuriously bronzed and browned bodies. Lasses with long legs, taught arses, and firm bountiful bosoms seemed to be strewn all over the beaches of Monte Negro. In my swimsuit – I felt like something dragged out of the dungeons by the cat who went on a search mission! But dragged out I was – right there, on the beach, among the beauties… Where were all the men though? I asked my man to look after the kids while I did my own little snooping.

Interesting facts that I realized were:

1. Women check out women more thoroughly – yes, yes, yes – they all say it, it’s a known fact. But when a straight woman experiences her own insecurities and goes on a snoop trail – the fact punches you straight in the face and leaves you shocked and gasping for air (also partly due to temperatures of 38 degrees… phew!)

So here I was, squinting through the sun’s rays and focusing on how some of these ‘more prominent figures’ walked – did they jiggle enough or were they unnaturally taught? You got it – I was scouting for potential implants, nips, tucks and lifts. Oh – and did I find a few! It seemed so common. No – I was not letting my imagination fly, nor was the green monster taking me over with envy and the big J-word, I was merely scrutinizing some of these ladies. Erm… yes, I was shocked by my thorough investigation – but honestly, I could not take this perfection as natural all the time each time, especially with those sultry eyes with lashes that waved a mile ahead, and that light blush on tanned skin which would remain untouched by waves or sprinkles of water. What made me take on Project Scrutinize was the sheer distance between some women and water, the hours of fiddling with their hair or nails, the self-indulgent air of luxury, and expensive whiff of ‘I-know-you’re-watching, but-I’m-worth-every-glance’.

Clearly, some of these were natural tigresses on the prowl – young, free, single – and waiting for prince charming to fall into their tiny laps and take their breathe away. Others were the slightly enhanced beings – a minor shot of botox to do away with the odd  furrow in the brow, some permanent touch-ups for the naturally beautiful eyes, and how could a few kilos of silicon not help? With youth, slim waistlines were a natural given anyway. And then, there were the perhaps tired tigresses, trying, once again to lure an exciting prey with their still-evident-even-if-majorly-‘perked-up and enhanced’ looks.

Would I want to trade places with any of them? For an hour? May be? But then really no.

2. Men will be men! Ogling oafs tried to impress the beauties. And worse – some lovely lasses did seem impressed by the least impressive. Perhaps as a “gesture of kindness” or an “act of charity” – this lovely woman, about 180 cms tall, with proportions to die for, wearing this skimpy “fall-all-out” or to put it kindly “show-all” bikini, let this ancient doddering, dribbling man rub suntan lotion all over her back. Eew! Nothing against age or shape of the man. But hey, she was old enough to be his grand daughter. And she! I have no idea how she let those lecherous looks and seeking hands touch her!

What about the good looking lads at the beach? Oh, there were a few. I must say – rather handsome hunks who’d make heads turn and women drool unabashedly. If only they had not been soooooooo self involved, and seemingly conceited (the call it being cool these days. Flexing their muscles and flaunting their water sport skills to more of their kind. Not all oooooh-so-hot guys could be gay now, could they? No offence, but these guys were just so into themselves that they couldn’t seem to see the gentler sex at all! Or now was this an ego thingy of sorts that lies far beyond my comprehension…

Everywhere I looked – there seemed to be fantastic beach bodies, just a touch too aware of their looks and brusque attitudes that didn’t add to, but in fact, seemed to take away from their beauty.

Then we hit the beaches of Croatia. Ah! Here I was more at home in my skin.

The women were real – not model like at all. No ‘upgraded assets’. All natural. And that is not to say that they were unattractive. No way!  They were more attractive – not because strutted their bodies in designer bikinis, but because they unknowingly flaunted their qualities. Project Scrutiny was on again! There were the young women, playful in the sea or sunbathing on their bright mats, clad in sexy, stylish bikinis to comfortable and simple swimsuits. Some were sipping a drink, chatting with their girlfriends – their slender legs, taut torsos and beautiful faces glowing with joy. There were the couples in love. There were women with kids – slightly rounder and fuller bellies, bosoms that did not point at the skies, bottoms that did not do an anti-gravity act – but these women felt whole and complete – despite the laugh lines, the wrinkled brow. Some relaxed while their partners pampered them by taking care of the kids, one of the women looked totally exhausted but completely happy in their role as mother of a teen, a toddler, and a baby that was still at her breast. Still others sat alone, lost in though – experienced eyes and bodies that seemed to say : Woohoo! what a ride it’s been!” And others who seemed in search of something that had been eluding them.

Happy, sad, lonely, complete, whole – these women – their emotions went far beyond their bikini styles… And it was the bikinis that told me their stories! 

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