We all dream of that – don’t we? Insane love, love unto death and all the mush that romance novels have fed us over the teen years and even beyond…
How many of us get it? And more important, how many of us acknowledge it – even to ourselves? Isn’t there always “a little more” that you crave? And how many of us accept that yes, we have it – but we crave that little more which will be magical. And then again some more, and then some… Human nature!
A good old friend of mine recently asked me if I had the desired to be loved insanely. Instant response – Of course! Her next question – did you get it?
I couldn’t reply right away… I thought I did. And that’s what I said. And a split second later… I hoped I did. But suddenly I wasn’t sure… did I get what I always wanted? Hmm… I needed my
I slipped into the past… my teenage and early 20s
Back to my school days. To when I was 14. Those were the days when I found my initials scribbled on the board, ensconced in a heart. It was scary. I was a teacher’s daughter! I thought, if mum find out who this person is, he’d be dead meat! But it made me feel special.
And then there was a time when another youngster carved my name with a blade on his arms! That was super-duper scary. Insane, yes! Insane love – perhaps not … For that moment, at least, it was an insane act out of early teen infatuation or let’s say puppy love.
I remembered all the guys who’d shown any kind of interest in me. From singing love songs at the beach in one of the “Antakshri” sessions to sending anonymous cards and letters ; from mocking at their own emotions to shedding tears that stained their maleness; from marrying someone who sounded like me, to vowing never to marry… I saw them all in my mind’s eye.
What made me not succumb to these strong emotions? I had felt the intensity of feelings. It felt good to be loved – but I’d read that being in love with the feeling of being in love was special. I never sensed that.
Also, mum’s words were drilled in my head: Never do anything that will bring your father a bad name! Remember, till the time you are with us – you will always remain “daughter of”, and whatever you do will not be something Aradhna did, but something that the daughter of Arun and Neelam did. Good – will bring us pride. Bad – will hurt us and our honour .
I often thought that only they mattered to them – my parents ie. But in time, I realized it was I who mattered most.
Oh yes, and the other thing drilled into me – like into all other Indian girls of my time was: this was the time to study and to secure an independent life that I could be proud of. And that’s the life the romantic in me wanted to share with someone I cherished and loved – enough to want to give myself to him completely.
Yes, those were my views. Views that I am proud of. Morals that I created for myself , values that mum had knowingly or unknowingly planted in my head and heart, beliefs that I stood by until the time he came along…
And then – I knew the heady feeling of being in love, being ready to give up and move away from all that ever mattered to me most – and yet the confidence that I would always be ‘me’, despite moving on… I was now insane enough to marry and go off with a man to an unknown land and stat a life all over again. That was insane love! And I have no regrets.
But what about him? The question – does he love me insanely lingered.
Would he give up a life known to him for the unknown – just for me?
At the spur of the moment, I called him. He was at work, but talkable.
“Do you love me insanely”
“Huh? What? Are you feeling okay?
“Do you love me insanely”
“Okay… what do you mean by insanely?”
“More than the kids, your mum and dad, more than everyone and anyone in the world?”
“You can’t compare. I care for my folks immensely, I love the kids more than my own being, and you are the most special person I love differently from all the others.”
Oh, why could he not have just said “Yes, I do?” Now, I wondered even more and hung up…
Within minutes I called back. “Do you love me insanely as in – would you do anything for me unconditionally?”
“No! I wouldn’t.”
A shocked silence and a flood of hot tears in my eyes.
“Even if you insisted – I would never leave you and turn gay! So yes, I wouldn’t do everything for you conditionally or unconditionally!”
A burst of laughter on both sides.
That’s what I call – insane love.
It’s for you to define and you to feel – alone, all by yourself – in your head and heart!